No one Twitters about this blog anymore and it's giving me low self-esteem

There once was a time when people twittered about this blog. I used to come back from a successful pirate mission, gold in my hands and blood dripping from my teeth, and see all the buzz I'd created with my musings about such things as Eraserhead and pudding.

Now folks don't twitter about me anymore and it hurts my feelings. I was so excited when Twitter came out because it gave me the opportunity to measure and quantify how interesting I am. As if being a ruthless pirate wasn't enough, I became addicted to the rush of being mildly notable.

Now that Twitter success and the BoingBoing mention are far back in my rear-view mirror, all I can do is sit here in our secret underground pirate lair, listening to Hootie and the Blowfish and trying not to cry.


Check it out, Russia thinks they can mess with us:

Russia may prosecute Somali pirates

You'd think that a bunch of folks who get their kicks out of nesting little wooden dolls inside slightly larger wooden dolls would have better things to do than dream of ways to toy with us. Don't they remember Chechnya? They don't do well in the face of desperate, ruthless people.

Let me tell you this, Mr. Putin. Your ineptitude will only emasculate you faster than your wife already has been. Also, you smell like farts. Not even nice pirate farts, but stinky KGB farts that smell like the inside of a moldy ventilation duct.

Oh, did I hurt your feelings? Maybe you can go complain about it in a Free Forum from our friends at Lefora. Sure we can do shameless plugs for friends; it's the pirate way.

So, you've found our decoy operation

Looks like the worldwide media has picked up this gem:

This is London – the capital of Somali pirates' secret intelligence operation

Apparently they seem to think some of our attacks are orchestrated remotely from London. What they don't realize is that what they found was in fact our decoy intelligence operation. Our real intelligence operation is located in the Hamptons (we won't tell you where!) and is guarded by an angry robot named Thor who spits fire and disembowels humans at will.

Nice try Brits.

The U.S. Navy can run, but it can't hide

I'm sure by now you have all seen this story:

Pirates fire at U.S. Navy ship off Somalia

In case you missed it, allow me to provide that link again:

Pirates fire at U.S. Navy ship off Somalia

That's right. Even though we have seemingly decrepit boats and ineffectual weapons, we still went after a U.S. military ship - and it ran away!

Behold, the cowardly Americans, who supposedly have the best navy history has ever seen, as they flee in the face of our attack.

Bill Maher slanders us

First of all, we are not all so young. Most of us appear to be young because we don't eat high fructose corn syrup like you fat bastards. Second of all, we do not enjoy being captured. We enjoy capturing you. There's a big difference.

And thirdly, we are not cute. Hey America, let's see how cute we are when we are throwing your goods into the sea and/or holding you hostage.

That said, the Lion King is pretty good and we wish there was a production here. Oh, Simba.

Oprah & Chicken

We hear your TV star Oprah WInfrey is giving away free KFC chicken with a coupon on her website.

Here's the link: go there and get some.

We have our own version of Oprah, except her name is Sally and she give out free bullets. She puts them in your face if you don't get off your boat when we tell you to.

It's apparently a small world


OK this time we may have screwed up. We're out looking for new boats to attack and I think we zigged when we should have zagged. Now we're somewhere with singing puppets. Something about how it's a world of laughter and a world of tears.

And they're right of course. It's a world of laughter when we take over your boat and a world of tears when we throw you into the sea.