Somali Pirate Blog

No one Twitters about this blog anymore and it's giving me low self-esteem

Fri, 15 May 2009 17:51:53 GMT

There once was a time when people twittered about this blog. I used to come back from a successful pirate mission, gold in my hands and blood dripping from my teeth, and see all the buzz I'd created with my musings about such things as Eraserhead and pudding.

Now folks don't twitter about me anymore and it hurts my feelings. I was so excited when Twitter came out because it gave me the opportunity to measure and quantify how interesting I am. As if being a ruthless pirate wasn't enough, I became addicted to the rush of being mildly notable.

Now that Twitter success and the BoingBoing mention are far back in my rear-view mirror, all I can do is sit here in our secret underground pirate lair, listening to Hootie and the Blowfish and trying not to cry.

A Helpful Map of Somali Piracy

Thu, 14 May 2009 15:35:28 GMT

Whilst browsing the web, I found this handy map of our recent exploits. I was personally involved in about a third of these attacks.

Nyet!

Wed, 13 May 2009 02:17:49 GMT

Check it out, Russia thinks they can mess with us:

Russia may prosecute Somali pirates

You'd think that a bunch of folks who get their kicks out of nesting little wooden dolls inside slightly larger wooden dolls would have better things to do than dream of ways to toy with us. Don't they remember Chechnya? They don't do well in the face of desperate, ruthless people.

Let me tell you this, Mr. Putin. Your ineptitude will only emasculate you faster than your wife already has been. Also, you smell like farts. Not even nice pirate farts, but stinky KGB farts that smell like the inside of a moldy ventilation duct.

Oh, did I hurt your feelings? Maybe you can go complain about it in a Free Forum from our friends at Lefora. Sure we can do shameless plugs for friends; it's the pirate way.

We've got the crew of Atlantis

Tue, 12 May 2009 19:43:16 GMT

Dear America,

We've got the crew of Space Shuttle Atlantis. $1 million each. Pay up:

Non-sequential unmarked bills
Delivered to our space-boat
You have 48 hours before we start killing the astronauts.

So, you've found our decoy operation

Tue, 12 May 2009 09:20:51 GMT

Looks like the worldwide media has picked up this gem:

This is London – the capital of Somali pirates' secret intelligence operation

Apparently they seem to think some of our attacks are orchestrated remotely from London. What they don't realize is that what they found was in fact our decoy intelligence operation. Our real intelligence operation is located in the Hamptons (we won't tell you where!) and is guarded by an angry robot named Thor who spits fire and disembowels humans at will.

Nice try Brits.

Daft Punk is playing at my house, at my house!

Thu, 07 May 2009 20:00:21 GMT

Hey check it out western world!

We have made so much money from piracy, we hired Daft Punk to play my birthday party.

The U.S. Navy can run, but it can't hide

Thu, 07 May 2009 19:23:00 GMT

I'm sure by now you have all seen this story:

Pirates fire at U.S. Navy ship off Somalia

In case you missed it, allow me to provide that link again:

Pirates fire at U.S. Navy ship off Somalia

That's right. Even though we have seemingly decrepit boats and ineffectual weapons, we still went after a U.S. military ship - and it ran away!

Behold, the cowardly Americans, who supposedly have the best navy history has ever seen, as they flee in the face of our attack.

Oprah & Chicken

Wed, 06 May 2009 03:15:44 GMT

We hear your TV star Oprah WInfrey is giving away free KFC chicken with a coupon on her website.

Here's the link: http://oprah.com/kfc go there and get some.

We have our own version of Oprah, except her name is Sally and she give out free bullets. She puts them in your face if you don't get off your boat when we tell you to.

It's apparently a small world

Tue, 05 May 2009 21:34:17 GMT

Hmm.

OK this time we may have screwed up. We're out looking for new boats to attack and I think we zigged when we should have zagged. Now we're somewhere with singing puppets. Something about how it's a world of laughter and a world of tears.

And they're right of course. It's a world of laughter when we take over your boat and a world of tears when we throw you into the sea.

"Wrong Ships" my ass!

Tue, 05 May 2009 14:41:58 GMT

Yesterday I caught this in the British Press:

Doh! Pirates captured after attacking the wrong ships

Who says we didn't mean to go after your naval vessel? Just because we're sailing around in discarded refrigerator boxes does not mean we can't wipe the floor with you. Sure, this time you captured us with relative ease. But what you DON'T realize is that you have fallen right into our trap.

One of your "captives" is actually our secret weapon. In just about 2 days, he will start to experience stomach pains. You'll take him to your medical office on the ship and try to diagnose him. Within 15-20 minutes, his abdomen will literally burst. From his bowels will emerge a vicious demon creature. This creature of unspeakable horror will begin devouring you and your ship. Then he will swim to France and devour your children, and your children's friends. Which hostage has this evil hell-beast lying in wait? You won't know until it hits you. We surely won't tell.

So smirk while you can. You're about to get served.

Bill Maher slanders us

Tue, 05 May 2009 02:34:35 GMT

First of all, we are not all so young. Most of us appear to be young because we don't eat high fructose corn syrup like you fat bastards. Second of all, we do not enjoy being captured. We enjoy capturing you. There's a big difference.

And thirdly, we are not cute. Hey America, let's see how cute we are when we are throwing your goods into the sea and/or holding you hostage.

That said, the Lion King is pretty good and we wish there was a production here. Oh, Simba.

My eye is lazy, my gun is not

Fri, 01 May 2009 19:50:29 GMT

Ben from Philadelphia writes:

Dear Somali Pirate,

What is your favorite weapon? Is it that gun you have in your profile pic? And what's with the lazy eye?

-Ben

Thanks for writing Ben. Truth be told, my machine gun is my second-favorite weapon. My favorite is my Toro 3650 6.5hp snow-blower, seen below. It's a bit of a pain to lug around, especially in the crap-tastic speedboats we're saddled with. But you'd be amazed how effective it is. No one expects to see a snow-blower in this part of the world. Hell, I've never even seen snow! But when we come at you with one of these, you know your goose is cooked. -SP

Why are all my LJ contextual ads about Pittsburgh?

Fri, 01 May 2009 18:13:13 GMT

I keep noticing that most of the banner ads that LiveJournal posts to this page are about Pittsburgh, mostly for some art institute there.

Does anyone know why this keeps happening? As far as I can tell, there are no Somali pirates in Pittsburgh, or anywhere in Pennsylvania (except obviously Wilkes-Barre). What does Pittsburgh have to do with pirates? What are they trying to say?

We've heard that there's something of a theft problem in Pittsburgh. Which is a problem, because although we are pirates, we have no patience for stealers. Especially Pittsburgh stealers.

Yacht Rock

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 18:21:38 GMT

On Tuesday we were boarding this yacht off the coast and I remembered another reason we don't usually do yachts. These people like such terrible music. One hostage described it as "Yacht Rock", including artists like Michael McDonald, Hall & Oates and Phil Collins.

I don't know if it tips our hand to tell the world that we can't stand this shit. International freighters will start playing it really loudly to keep us away. Although I can appreciate the mental image of a $400 million dollar boat full of oil blasting Kenny Loggins into the Indian Ocean, my livelihood depends on that not happening.

Fuck, now I've got "Footloose" stuck in my head.

Arlen Specter switches to Somali Pirate Party

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 17:10:45 GMT

MOGADISHU, Somalia - US Senator Arlen Specter announced today he is switching parties again, after only a few days as a Democrat. Sen. Specter has agreed to join the Somali Pirate Party (SPP) and will represent their interests in the United States. When he initially switched from being a Republican to a Democrat, he knew that he would catch heat from Republicans, who didn't like him anyway. But then some Democrats started complaining that he would be skipping ahead in seniority and would not support the Employee Free Choice Act.

Upon realizing that he was getting static from almost every part of the political spectrum, Sen. Specter decided that he'd had enough and was going to side with the only group he could think of that was not politically schizophrenic.

"We're just thrilled to have him aboard", said Captain "G", a leading Pirate figure and former SPP chairman.

Sen. Specter, addressing the media, was very curt in his assessment of the Washington establishment. "Screw them," he said, "I'm going to be a goddamn pirate. Where's my parrot?"

Twitter user MexicanSwineFlu is a FAKE!

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 04:32:41 GMT

There's someone using twitter to masquerade as the Mexican Swine Flu. They are using this account:
http://twitter.com/mexicanswineflu

and they are SO NOT REALLY THE SWINE FLU.

It's just some fucking jerk using internet technology to make fun of a serious international problem. Get a life you fucking asshole.

Sincerely,
The Somali Pirates

The real global threat

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 23:45:58 GMT

By now you have heard about the threat to global health that is in the news this week. It is the sort of threat that cross all international boundaries. It is the sort of pox on humanity that affects both pirates and non-pirates, Americans and Somalis. Obviously we have our differences with the United States, but right now it is important that we work together to contain this threat.

We must join forces to prevent Creed from getting back together.

We call on the United States to either jail the members of the band or give them to us. If you opt to give them to us, we promise not to torture them*, we'll just keep them away from musical instruments.

On behalf of all Somali Pirates, I plead with the United States to help us stop this menace before it tours our planet and tears us all apart.

* We may torture Scott Stapp.

An 11th thing you didn't know about Somali Pirates

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 14:27:44 GMT

The American newspaper Wall Street Journal just published this article:

10 Things You Didn't Know About Somali Pirates

Their list is, naturally, full of lies and distortions. But, dear reader, allow us to furnish you with an 11th thing you didn't know about Somali pirates:

11) While you are busy making lists, we are busy scaling up the side of your ship and stabbing you in the back with a rusty phillips-head screwdriver.

Another Bea Arthur memory

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 16:25:52 GMT

It was August 2002 and Gen. Bea Arthur of the Southern Somali Command was consolidating her power. She rode into town with her gang of marauders on a hot and hazy afternoon. She saw a man standing on the edge of a bridge, preparing to jump into the ravine below and take his own life.

She approached the man and told him to stop. She offered to show him what his town would have become if he had never lived. She then shot four nearby pedestrians and said "they would be dead, just like this." The man realized how valuable his life was and got off of the bridge.

That's just the kinda person Bea Arthur was.

Bea Arthur, R.I.P.

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 23:42:30 GMT

Many people don't know this, but Bea Arthur was the provincial governor of southern Somalia for a few years earlier this decade. The western press calls our provincial governors "warlords" but they are just being biased assholes. Bea Arthur was a leader, a philosopher, a friend and a patriot.

Gen. Arthur ran her territory with an iron fist but a warm heart. I was down there, visiting family when she pulled into our village one day, riding in the back of a Jeep with a helmet, an AK-47, and a smile. There was a dispute about a stolen chicken, and she leapt out of the jeep and spoke with the concerned parties. As she spoke to Wendy, our town trollup, I could not help but remember her speaking to Blanche on the Golden Girls.

Anyway, she resolved the mess by shooting one of the women in the face. Her sense of justice had a certain understated elegance that I will carry with me in my heart always.

Rest in Peace, General Arthur. America may ignore the good work you did here, but we will never forget.

South Park. What the shit?

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 21:36:26 GMT

We've been getting a lot of e-mail from America about this week's episode of "South Park". Apparently, this is a popular television cartoon that is supposed to be funny. In this episode, we're told, a group of children flies here, to Somalia, to become Somali pirates. They then somehow rise to becomes the leaders of the Somali Pirate brotherhood, until we are all shot by snipers. One reader even sent us a screenshot:

We don't understand why these children are wearing silly costumes or why one child has a patch on his eye. We can only imagine that Americans think we are playing some sort of game. Well I can assure you we are not. If we ever did get ahold of your children, we would sit them down and make them watch "Blue Velvet", just like our children.

My brother has seen the episode on the internet and compiled a few factual errors with the story:

There is no bus service to that part of Mogadishu. You have to either take the monorail or walk.
We don't attack yachts, typically, because they reek of bourgeois largesse.
Our secret hideouts are usually underground and guarded by wild boars. Hungry wild boars with bad temperaments.
We do not tend to gawk at Navy snipers, standing on the beach all facing the same way, evenly spaced out.

Behold: The Bedford Avenue Brigade

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 17:55:44 GMT

Yes, it is true! We have continued recruiting your countrymen to our cause. Last week a number of your so-called "hipsters" turned up in Mogadishu looking for pirate work. We paired them up with mentors and thus was formed the Bedford Avenue Brigade.

They have taken quite nicely to pirating, as you can see:

Rejection is a dish best served lukewarm

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 21:14:26 GMT

We did not receive a positive response from the United States after our romantic gesture. In spite of a mutual love of the sea, America will not be our girlfriend. Oh, they will live to rue this day!

From U.S. News and World Report:

Why the U.S. Military Is Wary of Open Warfare With Somali Pirates

I'll tell you why. It's because we are bad-ass motherfuckers, that's why. Cut through all the state department niceties coming out of Washington, and you will see that America won't be our girlfriend because we are too virile and bloodthirsty. They prefer to sit on their plush couches and watch the Andy Griffith Show.

"That's weird" you'll wonder "I don't remember Opie firing an RPG at Gomer Pyle." No, silly American, it is OUR SPEEDBOATS pulling up to your shores and shooting RPGs at YOUR HOUSE. We've adopted a stealth technology using Snuggies and we will destroy your villages undetected.

Sleep tight, jerks.

So ... we captured this ship full of "Snuggies"

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 15:26:10 GMT

This morning one of our teams (led by captain "G") was out in the Gulf of Aden and took over a Dutch-flagged cargo ship. Simple enough, right?

So they go into the cargo hold and find out the whole ship is full of these fucking things: Snuggies

Apparently they are meant to keep you extra warm. In case you didn't know, Somalia is a very hot country. What are we going to do with all these Snuggies?

View Poll: #1387369

In Your Eyes

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 22:37:27 GMT

Listen, America, maybe we should make up.

We're not so bad - we just want to earn a living. Look we're even playing your favorite Peter Gabriel song for you.