somalipirate

There once was a time when people twittered about this blog. I used to come back from a successful pirate mission, gold in my hands and blood dripping from my teeth, and see all the buzz I'd created with my musings about such things as Eraserhead and pudding.

Now folks don't twitter about me anymore and it hurts my feelings. I was so excited when Twitter came out because it gave me the opportunity to measure and quantify how interesting I am. As if being a ruthless pirate wasn't enough, I became addicted to the rush of being mildly notable.

Now that Twitter success and the BoingBoing mention are far back in my rear-view mirror, all I can do is sit here in our secret underground pirate lair, listening to Hootie and the Blowfish and trying not to cry.

Whilst browsing the web, I found this handy map of our recent exploits. I was personally involved in about a third of these attacks.

Check it out, Russia thinks they can mess with us:

Russia may prosecute Somali pirates

You'd think that a bunch of folks who get their kicks out of nesting little wooden dolls inside slightly larger wooden dolls would have better things to do than dream of ways to toy with us. Don't they remember Chechnya? They don't do well in the face of desperate, ruthless people.

Let me tell you this, Mr. Putin. Your ineptitude will only emasculate you faster than your wife already has been. Also, you smell like farts. Not even nice pirate farts, but stinky KGB farts that smell like the inside of a moldy ventilation duct.

Oh, did I hurt your feelings? Maybe you can go complain about it in a Free Forum from our friends at Lefora. Sure we can do shameless plugs for friends; it's the pirate way.

Dear America,

We've got the crew of Space Shuttle Atlantis. $1 million each. Pay up:

• Non-sequential unmarked bills
• Delivered to our space-boat
• You have 48 hours before we start killing the astronauts.

Looks like the worldwide media has picked up this gem:

This is London – the capital of Somali pirates' secret intelligence operation

Apparently they seem to think some of our attacks are orchestrated remotely from London. What they don't realize is that what they found was in fact our decoy intelligence operation. Our real intelligence operation is located in the Hamptons (we won't tell you where!) and is guarded by an angry robot named Thor who spits fire and disembowels humans at will.

Nice try Brits.

Hey check it out western world!

We have made so much money from piracy, we hired Daft Punk to play my birthday party.

I'm sure by now you have all seen this story:

Pirates fire at U.S. Navy ship off Somalia

In case you missed it, allow me to provide that link again:

Pirates fire at U.S. Navy ship off Somalia

That's right. Even though we have seemingly decrepit boats and ineffectual weapons, we still went after a U.S. military ship - and it ran away!

Behold, the cowardly Americans, who supposedly have the best navy history has ever seen, as they flee in the face of our attack.

First of all, we are not all so young. Most of us appear to be young because we don't eat high fructose corn syrup like you fat bastards. Second of all, we do not enjoy being captured. We enjoy capturing you. There's a big difference.

And thirdly, we are not cute. Hey America, let's see how cute we are when we are throwing your goods into the sea and/or holding you hostage.

That said, the Lion King is pretty good and we wish there was a production here. Oh, Simba.

We hear your TV star Oprah WInfrey is giving away free KFC chicken with a coupon on her website.

Here's the link: http://oprah.com/kfc go there and get some.

We have our own version of Oprah, except her name is Sally and she give out free bullets. She puts them in your face if you don't get off your boat when we tell you to.

Hmm.

OK this time we may have screwed up. We're out looking for new boats to attack and I think we zigged when we should have zagged. Now we're somewhere with singing puppets. Something about how it's a world of laughter and a world of tears.

And they're right of course. It's a world of laughter when we take over your boat and a world of tears when we throw you into the sea.

Yesterday I caught this in the British Press:

Doh! Pirates captured after attacking the wrong ships

Who says we didn't mean to go after your naval vessel? Just because we're sailing around in discarded refrigerator boxes does not mean we can't wipe the floor with you. Sure, this time you captured us with relative ease. But what you DON'T realize is that you have fallen right into our trap.

One of your "captives" is actually our secret weapon. In just about 2 days, he will start to experience stomach pains. You'll take him to your medical office on the ship and try to diagnose him. Within 15-20 minutes, his abdomen will literally burst. From his bowels will emerge a vicious demon creature. This creature of unspeakable horror will begin devouring you and your ship. Then he will swim to France and devour your children, and your children's friends. Which hostage has this evil hell-beast lying in wait? You won't know until it hits you. We surely won't tell.

So smirk while you can. You're about to get served.

Yes, it is true! We have continued recruiting your countrymen to our cause. Last week a number of your so-called "hipsters" turned up in Mogadishu looking for pirate work. We paired them up with mentors and thus was formed the Bedford Avenue Brigade.

They have taken quite nicely to pirating, as you can see:

I keep noticing that most of the banner ads that LiveJournal posts to this page are about Pittsburgh, mostly for some art institute there.

Does anyone know why this keeps happening? As far as I can tell, there are no Somali pirates in Pittsburgh, or anywhere in Pennsylvania (except obviously Wilkes-Barre). What does Pittsburgh have to do with pirates? What are they trying to say?

We've heard that there's something of a theft problem in Pittsburgh. Which is a problem, because although we are pirates, we have no patience for stealers. Especially Pittsburgh stealers.

Ben from Philadelphia writes:

On Tuesday we were boarding this yacht off the coast and I remembered another reason we don't usually do yachts. These people like such terrible music. One hostage described it as "Yacht Rock", including artists like Michael McDonald, Hall & Oates and Phil Collins.

I don't know if it tips our hand to tell the world that we can't stand this shit. International freighters will start playing it really loudly to keep us away. Although I can appreciate the mental image of a $400 million dollar boat full of oil blasting Kenny Loggins into the Indian Ocean, my livelihood depends on that not happening.

Fuck, now I've got "Footloose" stuck in my head.

MOGADISHU, Somalia - US Senator Arlen Specter announced today he is switching parties again, after only a few days as a Democrat. Sen. Specter has agreed to join the Somali Pirate Party (SPP) and will represent their interests in the United States. When he initially switched from being a Republican to a Democrat, he knew that he would catch heat from Republicans, who didn't like him anyway. But then some Democrats started complaining that he would be skipping ahead in seniority and would not support the Employee Free Choice Act.

Upon realizing that he was getting static from almost every part of the political spectrum, Sen. Specter decided that he'd had enough and was going to side with the only group he could think of that was not politically schizophrenic.

"We're just thrilled to have him aboard", said Captain "G", a leading Pirate figure and former SPP chairman.



Sen. Specter, addressing the media, was very curt in his assessment of the Washington establishment. "Screw them," he said, "I'm going to be a goddamn pirate. Where's my parrot?"

There's someone using twitter to masquerade as the Mexican Swine Flu. They are using this account:
http://twitter.com/mexicanswineflu

and they are SO NOT REALLY THE SWINE FLU.

It's just some fucking jerk using internet technology to make fun of a serious international problem. Get a life you fucking asshole.

Sincerely,
The Somali Pirates

By now you have heard about the threat to global health that is in the news this week. It is the sort of threat that cross all international boundaries. It is the sort of pox on humanity that affects both pirates and non-pirates, Americans and Somalis. Obviously we have our differences with the United States, but right now it is important that we work together to contain this threat.

We must join forces to prevent Creed from getting back together.

We call on the United States to either jail the members of the band or give them to us. If you opt to give them to us, we promise not to torture them*, we'll just keep them away from musical instruments.

On behalf of all Somali Pirates, I plead with the United States to help us stop this menace before it tours our planet and tears us all apart.

* We may torture Scott Stapp.

The American newspaper Wall Street Journal just published this article:

10 Things You Didn't Know About Somali Pirates

Their list is, naturally, full of lies and distortions. But, dear reader, allow us to furnish you with an 11th thing you didn't know about Somali pirates:

11) While you are busy making lists, we are busy scaling up the side of your ship and stabbing you in the back with a rusty phillips-head screwdriver.

It was August 2002 and Gen. Bea Arthur of the Southern Somali Command was consolidating her power. She rode into town with her gang of marauders on a hot and hazy afternoon. She saw a man standing on the edge of a bridge, preparing to jump into the ravine below and take his own life.

She approached the man and told him to stop. She offered to show him what his town would have become if he had never lived. She then shot four nearby pedestrians and said "they would be dead, just like this." The man realized how valuable his life was and got off of the bridge.

That's just the kinda person Bea Arthur was.

Many people don't know this, but Bea Arthur was the provincial governor of southern Somalia for a few years earlier this decade. The western press calls our provincial governors "warlords" but they are just being biased assholes. Bea Arthur was a leader, a philosopher, a friend and a patriot.

Gen. Arthur ran her territory with an iron fist but a warm heart. I was down there, visiting family when she pulled into our village one day, riding in the back of a Jeep with a helmet, an AK-47, and a smile. There was a dispute about a stolen chicken, and she leapt out of the jeep and spoke with the concerned parties. As she spoke to Wendy, our town trollup, I could not help but remember her speaking to Blanche on the Golden Girls.

Anyway, she resolved the mess by shooting one of the women in the face. Her sense of justice had a certain understated elegance that I will carry with me in my heart always.

Rest in Peace, General Arthur. America may ignore the good work you did here, but we will never forget.

We've been getting a lot of e-mail from America about this week's episode of "South Park". Apparently, this is a popular television cartoon that is supposed to be funny. In this episode, we're told, a group of children flies here, to Somalia, to become Somali pirates. They then somehow rise to becomes the leaders of the Somali Pirate brotherhood, until we are all shot by snipers. One reader even sent us a screenshot:



We don't understand why these children are wearing silly costumes or why one child has a patch on his eye. We can only imagine that Americans think we are playing some sort of game. Well I can assure you we are not. If we ever did get ahold of your children, we would sit them down and make them watch "Blue Velvet", just like our children.

My brother has seen the episode on the internet and compiled a few factual errors with the story:

• There is no bus service to that part of Mogadishu. You have to either take the monorail or walk.
• We don't attack yachts, typically, because they reek of bourgeois largesse.
• Our secret hideouts are usually underground and guarded by wild boars. Hungry wild boars with bad temperaments.
• We do not tend to gawk at Navy snipers, standing on the beach all facing the same way, evenly spaced out.

We did not receive a positive response from the United States after our romantic gesture. In spite of a mutual love of the sea, America will not be our girlfriend. Oh, they will live to rue this day!

From U.S. News and World Report:

Why the U.S. Military Is Wary of Open Warfare With Somali Pirates

I'll tell you why. It's because we are bad-ass motherfuckers, that's why. Cut through all the state department niceties coming out of Washington, and you will see that America won't be our girlfriend because we are too virile and bloodthirsty. They prefer to sit on their plush couches and watch the Andy Griffith Show.

"That's weird" you'll wonder "I don't remember Opie firing an RPG at Gomer Pyle." No, silly American, it is OUR SPEEDBOATS pulling up to your shores and shooting RPGs at YOUR HOUSE. We've adopted a stealth technology using Snuggies and we will destroy your villages undetected.

Sleep tight, jerks.

Listen, America, maybe we should make up.

We're not so bad - we just want to earn a living. Look we're even playing your favorite Peter Gabriel song for you.

This morning one of our teams (led by captain "G") was out in the Gulf of Aden and took over a Dutch-flagged cargo ship. Simple enough, right?

So they go into the cargo hold and find out the whole ship is full of these fucking things: Snuggies

Apparently they are meant to keep you extra warm. In case you didn't know, Somalia is a very hot country. What are we going to do with all these Snuggies?


Poll #1387369
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 32

Choose a way to deal with the Snuggies:

Check it out you stupid Italian crew! While you were up in your quarters eating spaghetti, we painted a penis on your boat!



Now we're going to board your ship and hold you hostage. Somebody's got a case of the MONDAYS!

KISMAYO, Somalia - Buzz is building in Kismayo for the debut of the new season of "Somalia's Next Top Pirate", the highest rated Somali reality competition show of all time. Having recently stolen the crown from the 1990s classic "The Warlords Next Door", this season of SNTP promises many new twists and turns. Rumor has it that host Macaulay Culkin has a few tricks up his sleeve this year, including a challenge involving ice hockey.

Casting of the contestants took place across the country late last year, and filming was completed about a month ago. Large precautions were taken to ensure we won't find out who wins ahead of time, but we can only assume he or she will be at least as ruthless and bloodthirsty as last year's winner, Anthony Bourdain.

I assume by now you've heard about this fiasco:

Dolphins Foiled Pirate Attack

A Chinese news agency said "The pirates could only lament their littleness before the vast number of dolphins." Listen here, General Tso, I'll show you how little we are when we board your next cargo vessel and throw your goods into the sea. Guess what the downside of making toys out of lead is? They sink!

Sure you can laugh about it. Ha ha ha. But you know what? You're a big jerk.

We're just trying to do a job out here. How would you like it if dolphins messed with YOU at YOUR job?

We, the true pirates, are upholding a tradition of actual piracy. The violent kind. With weapons, booty, boats, and hostages.

We are demanding that the press stop describing internet kids who send movies to each other pirates.

File sharing is not real piracy. Real piracy is approaching a oil tanker in a fishing boat with your cousins holding rocket launchers. Real piracy is holding an American sea captain hostage with a hand gun while you try to negotiate his release for millions of dollars using a 10 year old satellite phone. Real piracy is watching your brothers die taking head shots from NAVY snipers while you're trying to swim away. Real piracy is having your children watch "Blue Velvet" every day after school. Real piracy has real costs and real stakes.

The things that we take are real too -- money, boats, human lives. File sharing takes away what? A hypothetical revenue stream from a suit? The day we see a movie executive on the high seas is the day we take him hostage and show him what real piracy looks like.

Do those pimply kids running the Pirate Bay think they are pirates? No! They've appropriated the term to subvert its contemporary usage in the media. They're pirates because dumb journalists bought the party line of the entertainment industry 20 years ago.  The Pirate Bay is mocking you, us, and every journalist that calls them anything but file sharers. We applaud their loss in Sweden, it means one less group diluting the true meaning of the term piracy.

So the next time a journalist mindlessly uses the phrase "piracy" to describe a file being sent across the internet let them know how stupid they are. Ask them if they understand what REAL piracy looks like, and whether, upon reflection, it makes sense to equate copying a file to holding an Ukranian tanker hostage with a rocket propelled grenade and a couple of AK-47s.

Sincerely,
  The Union of Concerned Pirates

Thanks to everyone who came out for yesterday's Tax Day Tea Party in downtown Mogadishu! The authorities estimate that between 500-700 folks turned up and most were only lightly armed.

Of course, the mainstream media didn't cover it, because they are too busy discussing the Octo-mom. What they don't realize is that America's fiscal irresponsibility is a threat to everyone. Here's a quote from Captain "G", who spoke to the crowd:

"American naval spending is completely out of control! [cheers] Do you realize how expensive it is to feed, clothe and arm the crew of one American destroyer, like the one sitting just offshore right now? We propose a different solution. Eliminate the navy entirely, and use that money to buy gold, and ship that gold on brightly colored boats that are clearly labeled! This is not a pirate issue or a non-pirate issue. This is a human issue."

I bet you think we've had a bad day. I bet you think you've got us on the run.

What you fail to realize, stupid Americans, is that our recruitment has only increased. Capture eleven, and twenty-two will rise to take their place! Mariners from around the world have rallied to our cause, joining forces with us in the name of fortune and adventure. In fact, we have recruited some of your own countrymen to our cause.

Our newest recruit, we call him "G". he was a First Mate in your country, but he's been promoted to Captain in ours. He knows your secrets and will undermine your defenses. Last night he made a radio out of a coconut. Look below into the face of your worst nightmare.

That's right, nations of the world. We've used some of our riches to buy a shiny new fax machine and a satellite phone. We are totally going to spam you now.

So when your children sob, wondering why all these random pictures of Greek hostages keep showing up in your home office, you tell them it was us.

When your workplace grinds to a halt under the weight of our taunting cartoons of Harry Potter being eaten by a bear, know that it was us.

When your military crumbles as all communication lines are stuffed with our recipes for Injera, know that it was us.

And when you look for us, to retaliate, know that you will not find us, as we are everywhere and nowhere all at once, out on the high seas.

We've been getting a lot of e-mail about Johnny Depp. I don't get it, am I missing something?

Raul thinks it has something to do with Edward Scissorhands, because last week we seized a Turkish ship full of scissors. I guess that makes sense, but it seems like a real stretch.

I'm not too worried about it now, we've got other things on our minds this afternoon. My cousin tells me Amazon has removed the sales rankings from all books about Somali pirates. Major #amazonfail.

AFGOOYE, Somali - The National Board of Somali Pirates (NBSP) and the Somali Pirates Credit Union (SPCU) jointly denounced the Phil Spector verdict today as an unfair persecution of a former member of their ranks.

Phil Spector was widely known to have dabbled in Somali Piracy in the late 1990s. This was a personal choice on his part, and one that is to be respected. The extent to which he developed an insatiable bloodlust whilst forcibly seizing merchant vessels at gunpoint is a personal matter. The American mainstream media, on the otherhand, seems to think differently. As part of their broad campaign to defame and disparage our humble enterprise, they set up Mr. Spector to be framed for murder.

And, it seems that they have achieved their end. Well, let us say this to you now, American dogs: your snipers may take us out with headshots, or your lawyers may frame us for murder. We care not about the methods, and we care less about the results. Because we are not all as easy to find as our fallen comrade who lived in a castle in Los Angeles. Most of our castles are in Somalia, and they are underground, and they are guarded by wild boars who haven't been fed this week.

You think you can capture all of us and give us high profile trials in California? Good luck with that buddy.

See chart below for irrefutable evidence:

Just saw this on the news:

http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=washingtonstory&sid=aYhvgOfyTmYA

You guys want a piece of us? Let us see you try.

Do you understand how desperate, bloodthirsty and ruthless we are? Come after us and your lives will be like an episode of Lost, except it will take place underwater and you'll be dead.

I got 99 problems but your Navy ain't one.

The US Navy just totally pwned Ricky and his crew holding that ship captain!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/story/2009/04/12/ST2009041203003.html

Damn it.

You know, look. We know what we signed up for, but WTF?

They totally shot Ricky, Jim and Harvey. And captured Paulie. I mean, really? Why leave Paulie alive? This was his first mission and he wasn't even good at it. At least he doesn't know a lot of secrets. Frankly, I hope the US tortures him. Maybe he'll tell them about his thing for the Jonas Brothers.

Jim was a class act man. Well, for a ruthless pirate. Last week he let me skip pirate practice so I could catch up with "For The Love of Ray J" on VH1. Damn, that one girl with the tattoos on her face is hot stuff. Maybe if she gets kicked off the show we can fly her out here and she can be, like, a girl pirate. Anyway, back to Jim.

I think my favorite memory of Jim was from our first pirate mission. We were lying in wait, out on the sea, in a shitty little boat that didn't even have any porn in it. So we're sitting there, cleaning the machine gun and checking the GPS, and we get to talking about the movie Mulholland Drive. You know that part about 2/3 of the way through with the cube, after which the whole movie changes? What was up with that? Jim explained that the whole first part of the movie, starting with the limo and including all the memory loss stuff was a dream! Bummed me out because I was hoping the lesbian scene was real.

Anyway he explained that being a Somali pirate was alot like living a new David Lynch movie every day. Each day brings new weird experiences that are difficult to explain. The other pirate in the boat with us agreed, and so did the schizophrenic Peruvian midget with a lisp.

With some of the money we've collected in ransom recently I've decided to buy a computer, sign-up for Internet access and start a "blog". This should be fun!

Work's calmed down a bit lately. We've just got this one guy hostage. He's American so he feels entitled to things. At first we thought he was trying to be funny.

Anyway back to the grind! I'll check in again soon.